Here is part two of my endless series prompting secular leaders to write vague, non-committal condemnations of unnamed jerks lurking about. Some have suggested this is damage control after Kiki and I have alienated large sections of the secular community with our crying and petulant finger-pointing. This is utter nonsense. Bringing discussion and attention to the very real problem of disinterest toward women is a moral imperative. If, along the way, we also produce an illusion of support for ourselves from leaders in the community, well that’s just coincidence.

I’m thrilled to present this important paragraph from Atheists with Attourneys (AA) President David Silverfish about why bad people doing bad things are bad and not good.

It happens every day in our community. A woman writes an important tweet, perhaps something about why the Spiderman film sucked, only to find no replies or a single retweet. Facebook links don’t get shared. Blog posts go un-pinged-back. Sure, we’d like to think this always happens because those social media-jaculations are boring, badly written, pedantic, or better said a thousand times already that week, but the truth is that it’s pure distilled hatred for all womanity. If you’re retweeting Neil deGrasse Tyson quotes but not Blog Hog’s favorite episode of Gilmore Girls, you’re part of the problem. Can you honestly say that if NDT tweeted about Gilmore Girls you would not be interested? I realize this may upset you: it can be shocking to be made aware of privilege so abruptly. I felt it was necessary.

As humanists, it is our charge to be sensitive to the oppressed minorities and women, something I and everyone at AA takes very seriously. For example, before I tell Muslims they are pedophile psychopaths, I preface the statement with a trigger warning [ATTENTION: The follow comments might remind you how fucking retarded your backward barbarian religion is and make it harder for you to rape 9 year olds]. See? that’s how easy it is to raise your consciousness and make the world a safer place for minorities.

In recent weeks and months it has come to light that some attendees at The Amazing Meeting 2011 (TAM) were textually harassed during that conference, while organizers did nothing. Here is one of their harrowing stories (warning: text-based assault triggers)

(Excerpted from Facebook)

The night before I was at the Del Mar Lounge. One man introduced himself and my friend and I weren’t too interested, but we politely chatted a bit. He wouldn’t shut up about the Yankees for some reason. Then the next day he posted at me on Facebook (we have a few common FB friends). He made disgusting remarks, about his tongue and god-knows what else.

I was horrified, especially by the phallus emoticon at the end. I told DJ Grothe, as well as hotel security. I emailed my congressman, President Obama, and the Postmaster General (I later learned that he does not regulate electronic mail, just regular mail). I was promised there would be an investigation, and perhaps a grand jury indictment. Although I sent many insistent emails, I never received the satisfactory action that I deeply desired.

While DJ Grothe has steadfastly denied that TAM has a real problem with harassing tweets, texts, and the like, we are taking action on the issue. Here is SkeptichuntCON’s brand new textual harassment policy, which will protect each of the 40 or so conference attendees from unwanted assaults, 140 characters at a time:

Skeptichunt is dedicated to facilitating open discourse, and providing a sterile, harassment-free experience for all participants regardless of race, religion, gender, body size, sexual orientation, favorite color, choice of hat, or preferred degree of victimhood. We will not tolerate harassment of anyone, in any form, by anyone in attendance of any event we have organized, even if it happens at a nearby private bar or hotel where we actually have absolutely no control.

Textual harassment includes offensive emoticons and tweets related to gender, disability, astrological sign, physical appearance, race, favorite Pokemon, bra cup size, dietary status, political party, and sexual orientation except for necophilia, because even we have to draw the line somewhere. Actually we take that back. You can’t judge people that way.
The following emoticons and similar variants are banned at SkeptichuntCON:

( . ) ( . )
:-P V
8====)
;)
=P
:p
>:| (angry faces are intimidating/stalking)

The use of the numbers “3″ and “8″ are permitted, for now, but should be used judiciously and not in any way in which they might be misconstrued as either breasts or buttocks. It is recommended that conference-goers spell these out, as in “I’m in room three zero eight.”

If you lean over someone’s shoulder and see that they are being textually harassed, or if you receive a harassing retweet, please contact a Skeptichunt or Freethoughtblahgs organizer or volunteer. Be assured they can help you, even though they have no training or experience in security or human resources issues. We value your attendance.

Mensation: The Science of Womanly Bleedy-Time
Vera Milian. 2011. Concord Press.

I was quite skeptical a few months back when Bitchy Amiee gave me this title as a must-read. I had health class same as everyone else; what more could there really be to learn about Aunt Flo? How wrong I was. Milian offers a truly penetrating, scientific glare at the reproductive-sludge-purging time of the month, and it’s a hoot to read as well! How many times did I slough my uterine lining, without ever really thinking about it? It’s a shame really.

Mensation (a combination of the words menstruation and sensation, for the drooling morons out there) covers a lot of ground rather succinctly, from an evolutionary history of bleeding for fun and profit to Menopause: breaking the drip-o-cycle to Lip-syncing: how women synchronize their bleeding (chapters 1, 3, and 5 respectively). To help make the material digestible, Milian punctuates points with fun anecdotes about menses:

Much later, after I had already grounded Billy, I realized the “crime scene” on the couch was actually my own doing, and not the murder of his guinea pig as we had supposed. Boy was my face red!

Mensation is hysterical. Get it? The cover promises science and delivers in spades. Here are just a few of the fun facts about routine uterine puking that I learned:

•  The average menstrual release is enough fluid to drown a Labrador
• Many mammals menstruate, but only humans have fun menstrual accessories like Ibuprofen and maxi-pads (mine are Hello Kitty!)
• In many pre-modern cultures, a menstruating individual is afforded greater respect, spending those days locked in the “honor hut,” so as not to be disturbed by anyone. (We could learn something about respect for women from these people!)
• It’s recommended not to swim in the ocean while menstruating because that’s pretty gross, really. Other people are trying to swim and don’t need bits of uterus in their snorkel, thanks.

I highly recommend this book to readers interested in the disgustingly feminine, even if you don’t have a uterus yourself.

They’re on to us folks. Noted female atheist Paula Kirby has added her shrieking voice to the “Skeptichunt = femisnazis!” chorus. I guess it’s all over now. Now I may have to get a real job. Ha. Paula’s charges are patently absurd; why else would I respond with intense and protracted sarcasm? As some sort of neurotic coping mechanism because it deeply disturbs me? Ha! Sure, that MUST be it. Haha… ha.

Anyway, here is an example of her tweet-spew from recent days. Like a Kevin Smith movie, you’re a waste of 140 characters, Paula. And of oxygen.

Besides, let’s be clear. Paula’s insults are so baseless and obviously wrong, that addressing them is like smashing melons on stage, Gallagher-style.

She’s like a mewling retarded infant, so feeble and ignorant she doesn’t know where she is, menacing us by way of soiling her diaper and brandishing a rattle. So, naturally, I immediately hopped-to to write a tear-down.

Not, as some have suggested, because she’s an outrageously more formidable and accomplished female atheist intellectual than I am, or because I yearn desperately for emotional support in the form of comments to this post, but because.. uh the depth of her wrongitude? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Kirby blogs for the Washington Post and is known to consort with the patriachy. Here she is interviewing known man-splainer and rape apologist Richard Dawkins:

And really, nothing need more be said. Anyone who is a fan of Rape-ard Dawkins is beyond sense or reason. Really, engaging her by reading or calmly responding to her essay would just be a waste of time, when I can simply define her as crazy and guilty-by-association.

Nowhere is the misogyny more rampant and visible in our society than popular music. Women are most typically portrayed as “bitches and hos,” which has been a real boon to the bitches and hos working in the music industry, but still a net negative. Female vocalists are forced to demean themselves in the most debasing possible ways just to eek out a modicum of success. The otherwise thoughtful Lady Gaga donned a dress made of meat as a desperate attempt to appeal to the meat-obsessed male demographic (she should have gone bacon to get the eye of misogyn-HQ Reddit). Katy Perry, who first won fame by kissing women and singing about it (kudos!), was forced to shoot whipped cream from her breasts because her record label threatened to drop her, and also to give her dog super AIDS. Yes, that is what we have come to.

It's OK Katy, we know they forced you to do this.

Fear not, intrepid Skeptichunts, all is not lost. In recent years we’ve finally started to see a light in the tunnel (and I’m not referring to MC Bangalot’s debut track “My light in yo tunnel”). So here are a few great examples of feminist influence in pop music. I don’t want to tell you what to think, so I will let you decide which of these is the best song ever.

Just to show how open-minded I am, the first track is from a man! True, Kanye West has generally been a blight on the face of society and has contributed to the demeaning of women everywhere, but once in a while he gets it right, and here is credit where it is due. I’m speaking of course, of the song and especially the video “Flashing Lights.”

“Flashing Lights” is a story about a heroic woman who burns her fur coat before disemboweling a tied-up man with a shovel. It’s such empowering imagery because she’s striking a metaphorical blow against all the patriarchs that hurt and repress women. I would have liked to see that pig’s blood, but still, pretty damn satisfying.

Sexy, cool murder. Total win.

The next song always shows up on these lists, but still needs to be mentioned: Carrie Underwood’s “Before he Cheats.”

In this story the hero (yes I said hero, I don’t say “heroine” because only misogynists think courage is about gender) is a strong, courageous woman who has been terribly wronged by a man who, of course, can not keep his dick in his pants. She takes the only reasonable course, which is to destroy his most beloved possessions with a baseball bat, adding deliberative emotional pain to property destruction (read: justice). Meanwhile, she also comments on how his extra consort is surely a dull pansy-bimbo. We can assume she is right, after all, why else would said bimbo date this clown? That reflects seriously awful judgment! Underwood suspects she even dyes her hair, like some sort of desperate, neurotic slut.

When it comes to psychopathic violence as a means of conflict resolution, men have long dominated the field. Underwood brings some much needed balance, and reaffirms that violence against men is hilarious and awesome because they have it coming. Speaking of which…

Last but not least, a truly feminist masterpiece was produced by the Dixie Chicks way back in 2000: “Goodbye Earl.” Earl tells a story, like all good country songs. A young woman in a small town gets married to a man who beats her (symbolic of the ravages of male privilege inflicted on all women). The heroic protagonist cheerfully murders Earl by poisoning his black-eyed peas, before starting a new life of liberation and joy.

I know that synopsis alone sounds amazing, but you have to watch the video get the full effect–the attention to detail and unashamed emotion. For example the sheer delight as the group of women watch Earl die, while taunting him, “They tasted all right to me Earl.” Then the whole town, populated mostly by righteous women, celebrates. In utter rapture, they dance around a disgusting effigy of the dead Earl and boast of their crime:

And It Turns Out He Was A Missing Person
Who Nobody Missed At All

So The Girls Bought Some Land
They Sell Tennessee Ham
And They Don’t
Lose Any Sleep At Night

Finally, we get a non-sexist portrayal of social life, where 100% of the men are monstrous abusers or imbecile cops (or, likely, both) and the women rightly see vengeance-killing as a happy ending, complete with celebration, as it should be! So uplifting. What say you?

Last week while visiting my 6 year-old niece Sarah, she remarked to me “the sheep are fluffy!” echoing a vibrantly-hued Yo Gabba Gabba! character capering about in a mock farmyard. I answered her, as I always do when sheep are discussed: Yep. I promised to take her to the fluffiest sheep around, which I’ve long-said are found at the Allerton petting zoo which accompanies the Jaycee’s Haunted Mallwalk and Hayride!

I’ve gone to the Allerton petting zoo every year since I could remember. It helped spark my interest in barnyard biology and the petting-related sciences. Had I not majored in Music Therapy in college, I surely would now be studying baby animals or cats. The Allerton petting zoo has it all: adorable sheep, goats with those creepy demon-eyes, and terrified infants screaming with singular zeal. The joy I’ve gained from the petting zoo makes me sad to report that I can no longer support it: it is not a safe space for women. All I want is a good zoo for women. Is that too much to ask?

Last year I applauded the efforts of the Jaycee’s Baby Animal Association (JBAA) that organizes the petting zoo, for their inclusion of nearly 40% female animals. This was well beyond the gender ratios found at other petting zoos in the tri-county area (I checked). Even though no one can really tell the difference, that sent a powerful message to little girls everywhere that gender equality is so important that it extends into the animal kingdom. Unfortunately, the JBAA has let us down in other ways.

All I want is a good zoo for women. Is that too much to ask?

While JBAA has boasted of their forward-thinking petting zoo, Skeptichunt reader NotFunAnymore, has related xer (xhe prefers gender-fluid pronouns of xer/xis own invention) disturbing account of events at last year’s petting zoo. It seems that a duck that xhe had not tossed pellets at, and that xhe had repeatedly–repeatedly–shoo’d away from xer, couldn’t take a hint and bit her on the hand. Xhe reported the event to the JBAA but nothing was done, and the JBAA continues to assert that the petting zoo is a fun, safe place for boys and girls. If this denialism and wanton disregard for the safety of visitors is not sickening enough, we’ve learned that the same duck has been invited back again this year.

I decided to research a little further. I’ve learned that according to skeptic/atheist conference regular Dr. Darrel Ray, ducks have a well documented history as among the raping-est animals in the world. From wiki:

When they pair off with mating partners, often one or several drakes end up “left out.” This group sometimes targets an isolated female duck, even one of a different species, and proceeds to chase and peck at her until she weakens, at which point the males take turns copulating with the female.

Dr. Ray explains the males have a weapon-like corkscrew-shaped penis designed for raping. The females, as a defensive measure, are astonishingly able to twist their vaginas into a corkscrew shape with opposite rotation (clockwise versus counterclockwise) thus preventing fertilization. This has lead to some MRA‘s defending the mallards by asking questions like, “If she didn’t want it, then why was her vagina not rotated counter-clockwise?” That is a discussion for another day.

The question before us, is why is such a creepy animal invited back again and again, despite clear documentation of rapey behavior and attendee complaints? What is the JBAA trying to hide with their denialism? Why do they blame us, the victims, for raising these important issues?

Perhaps we should spend our petting zoo money elsewhere, at zoos that have made absolutely no committment to any issue I’ve raised, but have not publically disagreed with me in any way, such as the North Allerton Petting Zoo, or the Springfield Orchards Animalfest. Let me be clear: I am not calling for a boycott (you can tell, because I didn’t use the word “boycott”). I am merely saying the JBAA won’t be getting any more of my pellet money. I’m certainly not responsible if my loyal readers decide to emulate me.

UPDATE: As further evidence of the JBAA’s hostility to feminist issues, I’ve just recieved this email from JBAA’s director in answer to my complaint:

Thank you for concern and suggestions, but we can not include more female bulls in the petting zoo because bulls are males. We think you mean “cow,” in spite of your repeated insistence to the contrary. The zoo already features several (female) cows. Thanks again.

This disingenuous pointing out of facts is a brazen attempt to derail the discussion and trivialize the victims’ complaints. Shame on you, JBAA.

It’s that time of year again, folks. I’m pleased to announced that we’ve just put the finishing touches on the brand new Skeptichunt 2012 calendar! Now, I’ve been accused of not being a pro-sex feminist merely because I once suggested men should never proposition women unless said woman has signed a written affidavit indicating consent for preliminary courtship activity. I don’t see how having concern for women’s safety makes me anti-sex. That’s why I am so excited about this year’s calendar. It will demonstrate Skeptichunt’s pro-sex, anti-sexism attitude clearly.

Unlike last year’s half-assed (pun intended, lol) photos, this year’s calendar will feature 100% full nudes. Profits from the sales will go to Bitchy Amiee‘s Anti-objectification awareness campaign. It’ll be like slutwalk, but over Twitter.

Women in our society still struggle to be taken seriously and often have to work much harder than male counterparts, especially the really whiny, cry-y girls. You know who I mean. Men devalue women by seeing them as sexual playthings, regardless of circumstance as long as they aren’t old or fat. This form of sexist oppression is pervasive and harmful to society. Men must learn they’re to biologically respond to visual features only when told to. In order to raise money to support the anti-sexual objectification cause, we’re deploying more T&A than ever before.  Let’s face it, sex sells calendars, and we plan to sell out!

Now to the details. We’ve got a new sponsor this year, none other than Brazzers. Brazzers is a top name in fine digital erotica and is sure to help put some dollahs in our proverbial g-string for anti-objectification awareness! Expect to see months headed up by sexy atheist feminists Asia Carrera and Sasha Grey while they hold books and wear eyeglasses. We’re also proud to announce a number of non-ass related improvements in this year’s calendar:

• Includes free bonus month “Menstruary”
• African-American History Month no longer labeled “Blackapalooza”
• Grid of days now 15% more perpendicular

It’s so damn good, it almost makes you forget that ubiquitous smart phone and PCs make paper calendars and porn a waste of everyone’s time. Pre-order yours today and get a free password for Brazzer’s exclusive “Ass-rape me ’till I like it” premium webtube.